• 0 Posts
  • 1 Comment
Joined 1 month ago
Cake day: March 8th, 2025
  • Lunar_Voyager@lemmy.worldtoAsklemmy@lemmy.ml•How was your day?
    11·
    5 days ago

    I’m a pariah where I live, my family hates me, I have no friends, I can’t pay the few bills I have because I’m a pathetic loser who can’t function well enough to get a real job and survive in the real world. My life was already so shitty before Trump took office that I thought about killing myself all the time but could never actually do anything about it, now I’m just numb, always waiting for the next blow to land. This world is absolutely vicious and seems to actively want to destroy me. My life truly feels like it’s over, like maybe I was supposed to die a long time ago but because I was a pussy and didn’t now there’s no plot for my life to follow because there was never supposed to be one in the first place.

    What the fuck should you do if you’re in your late twenties and expected to be a functional adult at that age and just get on with it when you are so traumatized by existence that you’re afraid to leave the house or go grocery shopping? When you get bullied by faceless, nameless pricks in a community you didn’t come from and were forced to move to out of necessity, when your family treats you like you’re some kind of diseased monster and always puts all the blame and pressure to succeed on you, when everyone and everything that made your life worth living growing up is gone forever? Most of the time I exist in a state of nihilistic delirium, like the only thing left to do is embrace the absurdity of life and roll with it with memes and such. But then there are times when the illusion breaks and all that remains is the horror of absolute emptiness and disconnection, the knowledge that there’s nobody left to care about me, that there’s nobody left that doesn’t see me as defective scum, that there’s really no way out of this hell ever, and tears.

    Life is a such a fucking joke, you spend the first 18 years being molded into a dysfunctional person by your parents, then your peers have their way with you and turn you into a bitter asshole, then your employers and coworkers take advantage of and abuse you which makes it even worse and when you finally get to the point where you’ve had enough and start lashing out at a life that seems designed specifically to fuck you over in every possible way and keep you trapped in a position of powerlessness and humiliation forever, suddenly you’re the enemy and you need to be treated with caution and categorized into a neat little box so you can be managed.

    So you lash out even more, no longer giving a fuck about anything because the world and everyone in it clearly just want you to fucking roll over and die. Now it’s like this fun little game I play where I imagine the barbaric stupidity of people who treat me cruelly. Our whole society, when dealing with undesirables such as myself, seems to operate under “The beatings will continue until morale improves”. Like OK, just keep fucking me up and I’ll eventually not hate you and not think every single person out there wants to hurt me. But really, I want to hurt them very badly. I want to hurt every person who makes me feel like persona non grata. Either let me die or let me get back at the evil that always seems to be pointed at me.